you're welcome: the evolution of the side chick & the basics of booty call

I will always stand firm in the assertion that you won't know the male mind until you're a side chick, whether that happens knowingly or unknowingly, he has a girlfriend or just wants to be single, & whether you do the "right" thing or otherwise.

booty call, friends with benefits, side piece, side chick, side nigga, jump off,conflicted brethren alike, let's explore: 

the most successful relationships i've been in weren't actual relationships at all. i was most intimate & open with a man who hasn't ever been, & won't ever be, my boyfriend. i'm able to reconcile with that because we were on the same page the entire time. he was emotionally unavailable, & was convincing enough to sell a whore panties. frankly, I wasn't looking to make him atone for his improper behaviors. I tried to resist, but I craved the challenge he presented. the entire car ride I was warned about him. after his father passed away & his ex-girlfriend left him that he wasn't ever quite right. he had inherited his father's business & had an inordinate amount of money, but nothing of substance in his life. he was lonely and miserable, & it reflected in his behaviors. anticipation set in, I mean, surely he couldn't be as deranged as he was made out to be, I figured. we pulled up to his house, and I was mistaken. outside, the grass stood well beyond my five foot two frame. the journey to his front door was like going through a corn maze. as we approached the door I was astounded. the windows were covered in spray paint. before I could even process what I was looking at, the door opened. there was something so interesting about him. his presence was overwhelming. he appeared shirtless and tattooed, in jordan's & sweats with a rosary around his neck with shaggy, long, unkempt hair. his six foot ten stature was comprised solely of skin and bone; he had a musical mural in honor of his grandfather tattooed atop his entire hand and a gigantic cross draped across his whole back. he was inappropriate as fuck, saying whatever he pleased negating any type of consequence. he was interesting. he invited us in; I reluctantly obliged. his entire house was spray painted, the cabinets, floors, kitchen tile, doors, ceilings, EVERYTHING. the walls told a story of chaos. his couch was expensive and his house well furnished, so I failed to wrap my head around the setting. "you have a big butt," he caught me off guard. under any other circumstances I'd have a smart ass remark expressing how offended I was, but I stared at him…perplexed. he smiled. his teeth were perfectly aligned & symmetrical and his laugh lines accentuated his smile with such warmth. "I'm just fucking with you, I mean you do, but you're a beautiful girl." "thanks, I suppose?" my brows wrinkled in response. as the group conversation progressed, he questioned where I went to school & inquired about my life, interrupting me momentarily to compliment my intellect. after a good portion of conversation exchange & some shots of captain, he grabbed me and pulled me towards him, i wasn't sure if i should be so inviting to affection. "I want to show you something," he directed at me, "guys, we'll be back" he exclaimed trying to lure me away. "I'm okay out here," I protested planting my feet. "I'm not going to do anything crazy, I honestly just want to show you something & talk." (Said the crazy man with the spray painted house). I sighed in defeat & followed him. what's the worst that could happen? I thought attempting to quiet my paranoia. he lead me into his bedroom & opened his closet, blinding me with the bright ass lamps inside."you're a smart girl and you seem different," he offered. "you just met me not even an hour ago," I reasoned. he began to tell me about his life how his ex girlfriend groomed him to be the man she wanted & left him high & dry nonetheless, about the struggles with his mother resulting from the loss of his father. not having his father around struck him to the core; i could sense his discomfort in his vulnerability so i redirected the conversation asking about how he dealt with managing an insurance firm at such a young age. he blew me away with his economic knowledge as he walked me through the concept of profit margins. he was undoubtedly bat shit crazy, but he was hurting, & I understood. he was broken and vulnerable, but so open & loving. we set boundaries & created a decent friendship that included occasional sex. he was always polite & considerate of my feelings. we didn't hang out more than once a week, we were completely honest, & we listened to one another. he still loved his ex girlfriend, & I was too wounded & mentally scarred over enduring all that i had the previous year in my toxic relationship to invest in anyone other than myself. i was twenty & he twenty four, we knew we weren't ever going to be together but we had fun anyway. eventually i wanted so desperately to make him whole again, but I knew didn't love him. truth be told, some days I barely liked him. it was an interesting dynamic that worked because it was rooted in honesty & maturity. 

through this i learned that monogamy is a construct. we all are fed this fairy tale happily ever after bullshit & invest ourselves completely in the idea of marriage & a "soul mate." however, the monogamous nuclear family model is a very modern & westernized concept. most civilizations, even animal civilizations, are poly-amorous. there's a natural inclination to be sexually attracted to multiple people, but society forces us to resist temptation based on western-european relationship ideals. while this worked in the sixties & in eras predating social media, we now face a counter culture of resistance to that mentality. thus, people are conflicted. human nature isn't monogamous, but we've been constructed to see that as what's socially acceptable for hundreds of years. as society progressed technologically, we discovered more about behavioral patterns. musicians have sung about the sad side chick blues since the beginning of time. every genre, every walk of life, every experience reflecting a similar woe:

 aaliyah "if your girl only knew,"

 monica vs. brandy in "the boy is mine,"

 taylor swift's "you belong with me, "

R Kelly "down Low"

 tupac "i rather be your N I G G A,"

 trey songz "last time,"

 plies "shawty," 

pleasure p "boyfriend number 2"

john mayer "man on the side"

drake "hate sleeping alone"

ray charles "hit the road jack"

rhianna "do ya thang"

beyonce "ring the alarm" 

for example, all telling the tale of the inability to commit. TV was a platform for pop culture to explore interpersonal relationships with dating shows like blind date, elimidate, & dismissed . gradually, networks like MTV tested the waters & pushed the envelope with reality TV shows like real world & jersey shore celebrating adulterous behavior & glamorizing what was once considered deplorable. movies like no strings attached & friends with benefits captured this phenomenon that's become entrenched in our new generation. more recently we've seen examples that reflect this counter culture in a more unprecedented way.  ABC's hit show scandal has won numerous awards & swept the country reaching across multiple demographics. olivia pope epitomizes this counter culture. she exemplifies every aspect of a side chick in a reasonably tasteful manner given her job title & the scope of her character. she's the black woman's marilyn monroe (minus the drug addiction, plus an education), with her story unfolding for viewers to anticipate. while we all can't sideline a jake to be sidelined by a fitz, we all at one point or another will become a side line. it will ALWAYS end in one of two ways: you either get bitter or you get better. no matter the man, the woman, no matter the circumstances. If you walk away from a romantic exchange without a wedding ring or a lesson learned,others will find it difficult to empathize with your bitterness. you'll be left spooning with ben & jerry while your bitches are out twerking like miley because they told you to stay in your lane.

interesting dialogue about infidelity:

*side note, don't feel bad if you get cheated on. halle berry got cheated on, hilary clinton got cheated on, martin luther king jr. died whilst cheating on coretta scott (got shot on his bitch's balcony), I got cheated on. cheating can be emotional & there are so many different perceptions surrounding its construct. honesty will always be your saving grace. whether exercised for the greater good or an intentional evil. 

the decision should be about YOU. sometimes we know things & choose to ignore them; women especially. you can never go into thinking this person's going to leave their significant other, or without anticipating that you may not be the only one. too many women end up the crazy side chick, the side chick in love, or simply the side chick that forgot that she was the side chick. please, do NOT be that bitch. like-it's okay. we've all been there once, but that shall not happen twice or perpetually. nobody ever aspires to be kim zolciak. levels to this shit. 

for those not up on game
5 types of side chick:

side nigga:

Side Piece Code of Conduct:

1. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. are you ready? do you know what being a side chick entails? can you handle it emotionally & responsibly? what's surrounding your situation? what are your boundaries? is he in a relationship? does that matter?

2. YOUR COMMITMENT IS TO YOURSELF. you aren't in a relationship with anyone; thus, you have no obligations to anyone but yourself. what exists outside you does not concern you. the less details, the better. you owe no explanations to him, her, he, she, they, it, or any other pronoun that questions you. if you find out you've been deceived & lied to, while telling the other person is what seems morally correct, prepare yourself for it to backfire. people will believe what they want. you can give them facts & they'll still pick the facts that coincide with what they want to think. know your place & consider all consequences.

3. IF YOU'RE UNDER THE AGE OF 20 STAY OUT GROWN FOLKS BUSINESS you haven't experienced enough to know better at eighteen & nineteen. you have to heal all prior wounds & reconcile with yourself emotionally before you're prepared to assume the title of a side piece. cause again, being the side is about getting YOUR needs fulfilled & fulfilling someone else's on the side as well. emphasis being on the side; you're secondary to them & you are not & will not be a priority. (but always remember that your needs are primary. you make the decisions for you. know & own that)

4. WHETHER YOU WANT TO KNOW OR NOT---DON'T ASK. you are on a need to know basis. you don' need to know any details. you just need to know when to cut to the basket & when to run your route. nothing more, nothing less. if people want to share, they will. if not, what entitles you to that information?

5. KEEP YOUR FEELINGS IN CHECK- always consult the bitter friend. we all have that one friend who will readily affirm the fact "niggas ain't shit" or "bitches ain't shit but hoesIDntWearCondoms

& tricks" you know, the one you never want to talk to about your actual relationships. well, this is THE best person to talk to about your sexcapades. they won't judge you when you confess that the sex may have been mediocre & they will be the first to pull you off the side line & back into the game. my favorite bitter being:

6. KNOW YOUR SPOT ON THE ROSTER- s/he has a rotation, so why don't you? it doesn't have to be in the sexual sense, but you are a sixth man in this game----.even the lakers front office chose. shaq's my nigga i hate it had to be him, but it was only kobe shooting in the gym. *drizzy voice (& kobe got another ring after shaq was traded for all those at war with the mamba army) you are AAU;  her boyfriend is the NBA. you are forever 21 & his girlfriend is neiman marcus. don't be alarmed or offended; you have no right- you should've been aware of this, & most importantly prepared for this, always.  if you cared about each other enough you'd already be dating. you're on the side for a reason. unless you're the carmelo anthony to his darko milicic, he probably isn't going to regret choosing. if you aren't red bottoms, she isn't going to be kicking off her steve madden heels any time soon. you can be overall more attractive, smarter, cuter, funnier, sexier, what have you, but it's never about that. 

you're never going to be subbed in to start in place of the franchise player

7. HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE go out & meet new people. finding yourself committed where commitment isn't reciprocated isn't like missing the clutch three to tie the game, it's like going 1-7 behind the arc. you continuously missed opportunities to recognize your faults & still felt like shooting the ball. we all can't be ray allen; skill sets are developed after all, but let's recognize where we can improve & know our current skill set so we're not out there like meta world peace missing three after three.

Side Piece Protocol:

1. DON'T LIE TO THE ONE ON THE SIDE.  your main priority is above all else, whether that's another person, school, a job, or simply yourself. when you lie, you give the impression that you care. people are crazy but they understand logic. when you set boundaries you can euro around some of the crazy by setting the screen for the pick & roll of logic. (for the most part, i mean AI did cross jordan...some bitches will let emotion run the floor with all logic but never without a flurry of text messages foreshadowing the crazy) which brings me to----

2.  NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWERS OF SOCIAL MEDIA. side chicks in particular have time on their hands- they usually aren't in relationships- they can spy, stalk, show up,  plot, contemplate, tweet, text. just ask peyton siva, kim k, or anyone else who's been exposed for the world to crucify & shame." she'll see you when you're sleeping, she'll know when you're

awake, she'll know when you've been bad or good, so cover your tracks for goodnesss sake." the screenshot can & will be used against you. phone calls are imperative. you struggle to find the audacity to come up with some bullshit like your friend used your phone, your twitter was hacked, you can't control what so & so says when they're in your inbox telling you exactly how they want to do what to where with you, that's your cousin, s/he's like a sister/brother, not any of the bullshit you construct. save yourself by being proactive & discreet. don't give anyone leverage or anything that can possibly be misconstrued or taken out of context. 

3. FRIENDS BEFORE BENEFITS. there has to be a certain level of respect & friendship in order for successful communication to happen. you need to act like lovers not friends, lil john. kissing is reserved for people you're in love with, not intended for the people you're having sex with. 

4. BOUNDARIES push the ball up the court on a fast break & tell her to lay it up & just tie the game & she'll go for a 360 windmill dunk from half court & get hung. it's like letting your friend borrow your urban decay naked pallet, it'll be at least week before that surfaces & you can use that perfect shade of blue eye shadow again. you can't do anything to even SUGGEST that you care. you do not sleep over. you can never blur the lines of relationship behaviors. never create a reason to lie. if you're lying to your side piece you have 99 problems & a bitch is one.